Am I being naive or...?
Sun 06 Jun 2021 16:14
About a year and a half ago, I graduated college and moved back to my hometown. On a whim, I decided to apply for a job at a very small local business just to make some money while I figured out what I wanted to do next. Up to that point in my life, I had never pursued any kind of romantic or intimate relationship with anybody--it was just never a priority, I never felt a real connection with anybody and didn't care to try and force it, and I identify as asexual, so I didn't feel like I was missing out on much. The circumstances under which I got this dream job were incredible. I became one of three employees there, and I often still find myself wondering 'why me?'. But anyways. I began developing feelings for one of my coworkers fairly quickly. He was the one that trained me and we spent several hours of almost every day together just talking, and it was never uncomfortable as getting to know new coworkers often is. I even started making a list of all of the things we had in common, as well as the things we didn't because those conversations were always the most fun (playfully arguing over pizza toppings and movie genres and the best way to spend a Friday night). I learned that he was much older than I realized (11 years my elder), which bothered me for a bit but I forgot about it quickly because my connection to him was so strong. Eventually the relationship turned physical, but since we still had to be professional we decided to keep it a secret from our boss/coworkers and pretty much everyone else as well. That was one of many red flags, all of which culminated to me finding out that he had been engaged the entire time we'd known each other, and him hiding it from me right up until the month of the wedding (when I actually found out about it by my own means on accident). It tore me up. Bad. All of a sudden I felt like he wasn't the man I'd always believed he was, the way he'd lied to me for so long and justified it by saying that he'd never actually told a lie, I had just never asked outright about the things he'd been hiding. I was upset and angry and swore I was done with him, but during the few months after his wedding, seeing him every day at work was beyond painful. I ached for his touch and attention and I missed laughing with him and joking around, so much that it was physically painful. And then slowly we started to fall back into old habits. He no longer avoided touching me like I had the plague, and I would allow him to touch me, casually. And then not so casually. And every day I kept telling myself to draw the line, because he was a married man that had manipulated me into being an unconsenting side piece, but every day I just kept pushing the line further and further back. There are other details to this that make me wonder... twin flame? But in the interest of trying to keep this post a decent length, I can add them to the discussion later if they are of any interest to anybody. But I just can't stop thinking that maybe I'm too in my head about this, maybe he really is just scum and just because I'd never been in a relationship before, I wasn't used to the attention and didn't know what to do once it had been stripped from me. Am I just being naive? Acting like a child because this was my first intimate relationship? Or am I valid in putting these pieces together and thinking we possibly have a soul connection? Maybe a karmic partner, which was what I was thinking for a while? All I know is that I can't imagine my life without him now, and he says the same to me--that no matter where I go, if I leave this job or move away, I'll always be his best friend. ...Bai
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